The Town
by piandaoist
Summary: Jeong Jeong/Piandao - A crackfic featuring Jeong Jeong, Piandao, and you, The Reader. You live in The Town with your partner and your kinda/sorta BFF Jeong Jeong, his boyfriend, Piandao, and a Metric Fucktonne of weirdos. And sometimes, Jeong Jeong tries to manage your life.
1. The Dangers of Getting Your Mail

As you approach your door, Jeong Jeong glares at you through narrowed eyes. His hand grips the doorknob so you can't leave your home.

Your eyes narrow, your face pinches, and you feel the onset of a headache. How does he keep getting in when you keep changing the locks?

"Where are you going?" he demands.

"To check the mail."

"It is junk mail!" he insists.

You know he's right.

"I can't ignore my mail, Jeong Jeong. It isn't going to throw itself in the trash."

"But getting mail is dangerous. You are not ready. You are too weak!"

You look at your mailbox twenty feet away and wonder if Jeong Jeong understands how to get the mail.

"No, he doesn't," comes the Arrested Development Narrator's voice from inside your head.

Jeong Jeong responds with a stern, "Yes, I do."

"How did you know what I was think–"

Jeong Jeong's fiery glare wills you to be silent. He's the man who knows what color underwear you're wearing, and that's because you don't wear pants. But it's also because he knows Magic Gung Fu. He's like a scrawny Asian wizard.

"I will train you," he says.

"To get my mail?"

"Yes."

"Get it yourself, Jeong Jeong."

"Tampering with other people's mail is a federal offense, you oaf!"

"Where's the lie?" the Arrested Development narrator asks.

"To get your mail," Jeong Jeong continues, "you must first walk through your front yard. There are many dangerous people lurking about. What do you know about your neighbors?"

You live on the Internet. You know nothing about your neighbors.

"Look at that man in the yard two houses down from you, flitting about."

Meanwhile, you're having an imaginary Internet fight with your online nemesis about–

 **"CONCENTRATE!"**

He growls at you when you apologize for your lapse in concentration.

"Who is he? What do you know of him?"

"Who?"

Jeong Jeong fumes, blowing smoke out of his nostrils. "The man over there!" he points.

"Oh, right! Hmm," you say. "Hmm.. I live in a nice neighborhood. He's a quiet, middle-aged white man. He's probably a serial killer!"

You hope Jeong Jeong notices your sarcastic tone.

"He doesn't," comes the Arrested Development Narrator's dull voice.

Jeong Jeong throws your pepper spray at your head while you're sorting him into a Hogwarts House. You catch it before it smacks you in the eye and, for a fleeting moment, he smiles.

Finally, you've earned the Master's respect.

The AD Narrator says, "You haven't earned his respect."

He's right. Jeong Jeong's frown returns.

"What's your problem, JJ?"

" _What's my problem?!_ My problem is that you do not understand how dangerous getting the mail can be. The speed limit on this road is thirty-five miles per hour. But, most drivers feel the need to drive as if they're on the open highway. You could get hit by a speeding car!"

"I don't cross the road to get my mail."

"Shut up! What of that man who keeps waving at you?"

You remember your Always Sunny In Philadelphia training. As this new stranger inches past your house, you give him an Ocular Pat-down. You find no sign of weapons, and he needs to start wearing a bib.

"He's like…seventy, and he weighs about three hundred pounds, and he's in a wheelchair. I'm pretty sure I could take him if I needed to, Jeong Jeong."

You ignore the Narrator when he says, "You can't take him."

"You are a fool! Do not underestimate your opponent." Jeong Jeong screams.

"He's not my opponent."

"You must recognize the dangers in your life and confront them. Do not deny that they exist. **READY YOUR PEPPER SPRAY!** "

You refuse to pepper spray a disabled elderly man.

He sighs. "I once had a student like you who thought he could take on the world. He refused to listen to me. He embraced his own destruction."

"You're talking about Zhao, aren't you?"

"NO, I'M NOT! SHUT UP!"

Jeong Jeong's eyes widen when we both hear the Narrator say, "You were talking about Zhao."

Your phone vibrates. It's your Significant Other. They want to know if you want to Netflix and Chill later. You text them that Jeong Jeong's there so it'll have to be Netflix and No Chill.

You smile when "I've got this" comes up on your screen.

Moments later, right about the time Jeong Jeong would scream at you to "Widen your stance!", his phone rings. You hear his Adele ringtone, and you know why he's upset today.

"Ah, breakup ringtone," you say.

"Shut up!" he hisses. "We didn't break up!"

"They broke up," the Narrator confirms while Jeong Jeong lets the call go to voicemail.

"He told me he needed "personal space", he grumbles.

"Were you arguing with him while he was using the bathroom again, Jeong Jeong? You know how much he hates that!"

"Shut up, no!" he insists. But you can tell by the way he stares at the ground, taking in a deep breath, that he's lying. You hope he doesn't care about your weeds or that you haven't mowed in a month.

"Yes," he admits, still looking away. He thinks you can't see that small tear hanging from his lash.

Well, this is a fine mess. You can't have Jeong Jeong staying with you while he and Piandao sort out their business. The last time he stayed with you, he ate all your Doritos. Now he's training you to get your own mail? You aren't feelin' it!

"Pretty sure you're over-reacting," you reason. "He probably just wanted you to leave him alone while he was pooping."

Adele breaks the awkward silence that rests between you, Jeong Jeong, and your mailbox. He flips his phone open and hits the "Talk" button as Adele's voice cracks on a high note.

"What?" he grouses.

There's a heavy silence as he shifts his gaze between you and your mailbox.

"Fine!"

After another brief silence, he slams the phone shut, shoving it into his pocket. After he's spent a few angry moments breathing and feeling the sun, you point to your mailbox.

"I should get my mail now."

He pulls the lid down, grabs the mail, then lets out a long, defeated sigh.

"It's not your mail," he mumbles. He points to a house where a hunched-back elderly woman struggles to tend her garden. "It's hers."

You reach for it. "I'll take it to her," you say.

He jerks it away, throwing it back into the box. He slams the lid shut, putting the flag up.

"Are you mad?! Do you have any idea of the dangers that could be lurking over there?"

"Jeong Jeong–You know what? Never mind. I'm sure–"

His phone beeps. He freezes, looking at you with pleading eyes.

"You, uh, wanna check your message, Jeong Jeong? It might be from Piandao," you sing, offering him a sweet smile.

"I don't care," he grumbles.

He hasn't turned his phone off. There's still hope you can get him to go home to Piandao. There is also the possibility that he doesn't know how to turn his phone off.

You sigh, putting your hand on his shoulder. "I hate texting," he admits.

You open his phone to find Piandao addressing you with a series of short texts.

\- thx 4 helping jj with his phone

\- ill get him outta ur hair

\- b over in 5!

His final text, _"want 2_ netflix _ & chill?"_ sends shivers down your spine. The last time you and your partner Netflix and Chilled with them, it got weird.

You don't like weird.

You don't want to talk about it.

You _can't_ talk about it.

If you talk about it, Piandao will have to kill you.

"We're getting some take-out and going to bed," you text back. If anyone can understand how exhausting Jeong Jeong can be, it's Piandao. You're relieved when he sends you a "sleep well" text. There isn't enough therapy in the world to cover another round of Netflix and Chill with them.

Your partner and Piandao arrive, and not a moment too soon. Jeong Jeong's been in your house for the past two minutes and he's touching your stuff. Through the open window, you hear him say, "Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants!" as one of your metal pans clanks against your linoleum floor.

Piandao peers through your kitchen window, letting out a long audible sigh. "Step away from the sink, Jeong Jeong."

Jeong Jeong stomps over to you, thrusting damp laundry into your arms. "Do not wash lights and darks together. It is savagery!"

"I don't care," you groan.

"Do you see the way they live, Piandao? They have a coat rack but they throw their coats into a pile in the chair. The bed is never made. It is–"

"Savagery, I know," Piandao nods.

"We turned it into a drinking game," you say. "Every time Jeong Jeong says "savagery", we take a drink."

"We got pretty lit last week when you were over here changing the Brita filter," your partner laughs.

Piandao chuckles while Jeong Jeong looks at you like he's the Death Star and you're Alderaan. He sputters, but his resolve to scream at you crumbles under the weight of Piandao's gentle touch. He smirks when Piandao whispers in his ear.

"Oooh," Jeong Jeong coos, then he whispers, "Savagery…"

You snigger when Jeong Jeong smacks Piandao's butt. Then, Piandao purrs when Jeong Jeong pets him.

Granny Across the Street grabs your attentions when she slams her mailbox door shut. She glances over at the four of you as Jeong Jeong and Piandao mount their eelhound. She hisses and Piandao hisses back.

"I should give her her mail."

"Nah," your partner says, "Do it later."

You both watch as their eelhound lunges forward in a blur. Like the Millennium Falcon going into hyperdrive, or the Enterprise going to warp, or like your last paycheck going toward bills, they're gone!

Granny mumbles that the neighborhood is "going to shit" before she storms inside her house. You shrug because you don't care about the neighborhood.

Hours later, you're awakened by furious banging on your front door.

"Jeong Jeong, why don't you break in like you always–"

You fling the door wide open. Granny, brandishing her walking cane in one hand and a switchblade in the other, leers at you.

The knife clicks open. The orange light from a nearby street lamp flickers out, casting your porch in darkness.

"You got my mail, _Motherfucker_?"

Jeong Jeong was right. You're not ready.


	2. There Goes the Neighborhood, Part 1

Jeong Jeong rises with the sun.

You, however, do not!

You curse the chirping birds and the coming of a new day. The light from the Day Star burns its way into your sleepy eyes like the passion of an Angry Jeong Jeong yelling at Piandao for not being angry enough about Things.

Speaking of Jeong Jeong, there he is …again. He's sitting in your front yard, eyes closed, breathing while his hair does that thing where it whips about on his head even though the air is still.

The man spends so much time in your yard, you consider charging him rent. But then you remember that he doesn't have any money and his Sugar Daddy, Piandao, has Murder Face!

Your partner hasn't had their morning coffee/Red Bull/Mountain Dew speed ball so, of course, they're not thinking straight when they stare Jeong Jeong down right in his closed eyes and ask him, "The fuck do you want now?"

"Do not speak," he commands, hand thrown dramatically up to silence them.

"Whatever. Can't you rise with the sun at your own house?"

"No, idiot! ALL firebenders rise with the sun. When I left, Azula was stalking the neighborhood, glaring at children as they crossed the road to get on the school bus."

"That Azula, always a kidder," you nervously laugh.

"Zhao was mowing his lawn!"

"So?"

"With fire!" Jeong Jeong yells.

"Uh…"

"And every morning, it's the same thing with Ozai. He half-jogs the neighborhood in his Agni Kai pants just looking for reasons to challenge people to an Agni Kai. The paper boy, FedEx, women who carry their dogs in their purses… He doesn't care."

"Mhmm," you nod. "Sounds like Ozai."

Jeong Jeong bristles as he continues his tirade.

"Then. There's. Piandao!"

 *******  
 **TWELVE HOURS EARLIER**  
 *******

Piandao emerged from a downstairs bathroom holding a light bulb.

"Jeong Jeong, we need to talk."

Jeong Jeong winced. Nothing terrified him more than disappointing the Master.

"I put in the LEDs instead of those funny corkscrew bulbs. I know you like them," Jeong Jeong mumbled, offering Piandao a forced smile.

"And I appreciate that. However, this is a 6000K LED. It gives off a strong blue light. Makes the bathroom like purple instead of pink. As you're so found of saying, "It is savagery." If you don't use the proper colored LEDs, it throws of the color aesthetic for the entire room."

"Use the bulbs that have "4100K" written on the side. They're the closest to pure white light so they won't skew the bathroom's colors toward the blue part of the spectrum."

—

"But there were no 4100K light bulbs in the closet, Jeong Jeong fusses. "So, of course, this meant we had to get some immediately because of Piandao's Aesthetic Needs."

"Hold up, Jeong Jeong! You mean to tell us Piandao got on you because you used the wrong color LEDs?"

"Do not interrupt," he snarls, putting his hand over your mouth. "I'm not finished!"

"That meant we had to go to Target because that's the only place locally where they sell the bulbs Piandao wants. And also, Moon Pies!"

"Oh!" you say. "Did he wear a red polo shirt again to make people think he was an employee?"

"No, you idiot! shut up!"

 *******  
 **ELEVEN HOURS, THIRTY-EIGHT MINUTES EARLIER: AT TARGET**  
 *******

Piandao sighed at the empty shelf the Moon Pies usually called 'home'.

"You see, Jeong Jeong? This is why we can't have nice things! All I want from this fluorescent shit-hole are two things: 4100K 60 WATT LEDs and Moon Pies."

"Excuse me?" came a timid voice from behind them. "Could you hand me those Little Debbie Christmas cakes from the top shelf?"

"Christmas cakes?!" Jeong Jeong screeched like a crack-addicted pterodactyl, quaking and sputtering, throwing his hands in the air. "It is August!"

Piandao ignored Jeong Jeong's outrage because it was Jeong Jeong. He looked in the old woman's cart, a mountain of confections staring back at him.

"So…" he said, inching closer. "You're the one who's been buying up all the Moon Pies?"

"My grand kids love them," she beamed.

"I'll take one box," he demanded while Jeong Jeong rambled on about the coming holidays.

She held a box in front of his face. "How much is it worth to you?" she grinned.

He slapped the box out of her hand, causing it to ricochet off the nearby shelf and into his cart. "Nothing," he said as he watched her speed away.

"Hey!"

"What do you want," Piandao grumbled, turning to greet whom he assumed was the store manager, a short, pudgy man named Jared.

"You can't bring a sword in here!"

"Well, not with that attitude!" Piandao laughed.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand that's why Piandao's been banned from Target," Jeong Jeong tells us with just a hint of a grin.

"You guys can't go anywhere, can you?"

"So…"

Jeong Jeong tries to change the subject because he didn't want this to become A Thing. He keeps forgetting that, if he tells you things, he has to elaborate or you'll just ask Piandao and Piandao will Make Shit Up.

"How have things been since "The Incident?"

"Oh, we're pretty sure Granny's moving in with one of her kids."

 *******  
 **TWO NIGHTS EARLIER**  
 *******

Granny, brandishing her walking cane in one hand and a switchblade in the other, leered at you.

The knife clicked open. The orange light from a nearby street lamp flickered out, casting the porch in darkness.

"You got my mail, motherfucker?"

…

Naturally, you screamed and then your partner screamed and then you slammed the door in her face, locking all four locks. Then you cowered in the closet until you remembered you have a Bat Signal. Well, really, it's just a search light that you put a Lotus Flower stencil over. Then you have to point it in the direction of Piandao's housing development and hope like so much Hell you don't shine it in Azula's window …again.

After sending up the Lotus signal, you ran back into the closet and held each other until you heard Granny's muffled voice yell "What the fuck do you want, Old Man?" from outside.

You ran out, screamed "She's got a knife!" then watched at the window as she and Piandao locked stares under the dim glow of your phone's shitty flashlight app.

She grinned as she waved the knife in Piandao's face–back and forth, back and forth–daring him to do something about it.

"That's not a knife," Piandao said, unsheathing his sword with an indulgent smile. "This is a knife…"

"So, anyhoo… The For Sale sign went up yesterday. Tell Piandao we said "Thanks"."

Jeong Jeong nods then turns his attention toward the ever-annoying sun.

"Aaaand you never answered my question, Jeong Jeong."

Jeong Jeong huffs when he realizes you guys aren't going anywhere anytime soon.

"If you must know-"

"We must!" you, your partner, and five of your closest nosy-ass neighbors who have come out of their nightly hibernation to witness the power that is the Meditating Jeong Jeong say.

Jeong Jeong sighs, rubbing the weariness away from his eyes.

"Piandao is always pushing people's buttons. It's as if he was genetically engineered to be an asshole."

"That's what we like about him," you say and everyone except for Spray Tan Karen, your obnoxious neighbor from down the street, nods. "We thought that's why you were dating him."

"Don't deny it," Mr. Everyday Is Halloween If You Just Don't Care from the next block over chimes in. "Everyone sees the way your face lights up when you retell the story of how Piandao became YouTube famous–"

"Do not bring that up again!" Jeong Jeong bellows. "We do not speak of Piandao's YouTube fame. ..Our lawyer has advised us not to talk about it."

"Oh," everyone whispers.

"Well," you say, trying to break the awkward silence that follows. "He's only an asshole to other assholes."

"One problem!"

"What's that, JJ?"

"Everyone who lives in our development is a rampaging asshole! You don't shit where you eat. Unless, of course, you're Piandao."

 *******  
 **FIFTY-EIGHT MINUTES EARLIER**  
 *******

As Azula was leaving her house to terrorize the neighborhood, she noticed Piandao standing at the edge of her driveway.

"Oh look… Your tires were slashed..

…with my sword somehow."

Azula shrugged. "It happens. By the way, Piandao.. I'm running for HOA President. I'm counting on your vote."

"I can't help you with that, Azula. I don't hate my neighbors that much."

And if that wasn't bad enough…

 *******  
 **THIRTY-SIX MINUTES EARLIER**  
 *******

"Good morning, Zhao. I just Tweeted that you fought another Agni Kai with your yard and won! That's Zhao: 1082, A Third of An Acre of Land: 0!"

"Fuck off, Piandao! Wait–are you.." Zhao squinted then shook his head in disbelief. "Are you wearing Ursa's crown?"

Piandao smiled. "She lost a bet."

 *******  
 **FIVE HOURS EARLIER**  
 *******

Piandao shoved the last sugar-coated candy peep into his mouth and swallowed hard. Didn't even bother to chew.

Ursa groaned.

"I told you I could eat a hundred peeps in one sitting."

"What the actual fuck, Piandao!?"

"Crown! Now!"

Piandao grinned as he pinned Ursa's crown lovingly into his top knot. "Now.. Tell me I'm a Pretty Princess."

"He is a pretty princess," Jeong Jeong whispers.

"What, JJ?"

"What?! Nothing!" he sputters. "Stop interrupting!"

"I wasn't inter–"

"–And yesterday, when I got home…"

 *******  
 **STARDATE: YESTERDAY**  
 *******

"So, what do you think?"

Piandao looked at the hapless UPS delivery person.

Just as they were about to speak, Piandao threw his hand up. "Be honest," he insisted while UPS Driver #86 scratched their head, confused.

"Well…" #86 started, staring at Piandao, no doubt admiring Piandao's sleeveless rhinestone studded unicorn shirt that read "I'm a lesbian".

"Go on…" Piandao encouraged while #86 pretended to scan a package they had already scanned.

"Did… Did you make a replica of the Iron Throne out of your swords?"

Piandao nodded. "Technically, it's a Steel Throne. But, yes."

"Can you sit on it?"

"Hmm? Good question," Piandao mused. "Wanna try it out?"

"No. I…uh… I should be going, anyway. I have packages to deliver because that's literally my job."

#86 screamed and ran when they caught sight of Azula entering the room from the kitchen.

"Heh… Thought I locked that door," Piandao mumbled.

"You did," Azula confirmed with a smirk.

"Well, what?" Piandao asked as she sat down on his love seat as if she were someone he liked.

"That's a sharp Iroh Throne, Piandao."

"Yes, I know, because it's made of swords. Aaaaand I'm gonna go ahead and stop you there, Azula. I've got no interest in engaging you while you try to figure out how normal conversations work. But I am awfully excited to find out why you're here… In my house!"

"Join me, Piandao. If you back me for HOA President, I'll back you for VP. Together we can rule the Dragon's Cove Housing Development with an iron fist! No basketball nets on the sides of garages! No above-ground swimming pools! No garden gnomes! Sundown curfews! No bikes! No tea parties for Uncle! Not. One. Single. Hair. Out. Of. Place!"

She cackled as flames burst from her hands and mouth. Piandao fanned himself as the temperature rapidly rose.

"Could you please use your inside firebending, Azula?"

"NO TEA PARTIES FOR UNCLE!"

"Azula?"

"WHAT?" she shrieked as the flames died. If anyone was a total flame block, it was Piandao!

"How's therapy working out?"

"I'm not in therapy!" she squacked.

"Ya don't say."

"And if that exchange wasn't stupid enough," Jeong Jeong continues…

 *******  
 **THREE WEEKS EARLIER**  
 *******

Jeong Jeong listened while Piandao instructed Zuko in a new technique he been developing. Piandao's soothing, gravelly voice always brought Jeong Jeong to a place of great serenity.

Then, silence.

That should have been Jeong Jeong's first indication that Shit was about to–

"What?!" Zuko roared, causing all the birds to screech and flee from the nearby trees.

Zuko stormed passed Jeong Jeong, slamming the outside door so hard as he left, it bounced, knocking several pictures off the wall.

"Hmm…" Piandao mused. "He's so sensitive. Maybe I should have asked Azula…"

Jeong Jeong sighed, pausing meditation to glare up at Piandao. He rubbed the oncoming stress from his neck.

"Ask Azula what?"

"Who has a better ass? Me? Or Ozai?"

"So, you see? I can't meditate at home because Piandao doesn't know how to behave himself."

"Well, now I feel kinda shitty," your partner admits. "But, seriously, JJ? You're over here so much, the landlord said she was going to put you on the lease. Plus, some of the neighbors–looking at you, Soccer Mom–have been complaining about the screaming."

"I DON'T SCREAM!" he screams. "I shout!"

"Mkay, whatever, JJ. But seriously, you have to work things out with Piandao. You can't just drop by whenever you guys can't work your shit out."

You notice Jeong Jeong eyeballing the giant red 'FOR SALE' sign while your S.O. explains how healthy relationships work.

"Hmmm…" he says as he wanders onto Granny's property.

"Are you listening, JJ? Is he listening?"

You shrug.

Your eyes widen in horror when he kicks the For Sale sign over. Then he parks himself on her front porch. Just sits there among her flowers and her modest collection of solar-powered knick knacks and her porch swing and he resumes his meditation.

He fucking meditates!

You and your partner exchange worried looks while your collection of neighbors stare on, mouths agape.

You let out an exasperated sigh.

 _"Fuck!"_


End file.
